God, your forgotten child writes to you...

很懊恼。。。
到底我在这个教会在干什么？？
我为什么要在教会里投资我一大部分的时间在里头？?
我在这个教会开心吗？？
我在这个教会有一个真心的朋友吗？？
我在这个教会有难忘的经历吗？？
我在这个教会有让人羡慕的感觉吗？？

很遗憾，全部都没有。难忘的经历就有，好多。。。
好多被弟兄姐妹背叛的难忘经历，
好多被弟兄姐妹遗忘的难忘经历，
好多被弟兄姐妹欺骗的难忘经历，
好多被弟兄姐妹拒绝的难忘经历。
我真的好想好想问神，神把我放在这个教会到底他的目的是什么？？？ 不是真的要我受苦吧？？
这些曾经伤害过我的弟兄姐妹，所谓牧师曾经说过你可以相信他们的“主内弟兄姐妹”，实际上，我曾经非常爱他们的 "弟兄姐妹" 反倒伤害了我。我很不明白，我在我人际关系上面，为什么别人生我气时，人人都说是我的错。 反而，我就不可以生气人，不然我一定。。。。 一定被人说我不成熟。我怎么想都想不过来。
其实写blog是很浪费时间的一件事情。可是，我的交际圈里，只剩下这个地方给我诉苦了，教会弟兄姐妹。。。根本都不能相信，他们处处针对，感觉很像要我从他们的gang当中离开他们。我也不可能会厚着脸皮继续呆在那里，因为，他们还是会讲是非。现在的我，在一个很无奈的情况里面。我真的真的好想离开这块伤心地。。。可是偏偏神都不愿意救我出去。找学校朋友诉苦，又怕他们会说，“哇，基督徒哦。。。都那么有烦恼。。。我看他的神并不怎么样吗。。。说什么平安喜乐，吹牛！！！ ”
God, in times of difficulties… where are You??? You said You will bless my daily life, and protect me from any harm… look who’s talking now??? I don’t feel get protected right now, Your so called sons and daughters, my so called brothers and sisters in Christ, they hurt me. They gossip about me, how do you want me to face this kind of people? I was litterary forgotten between my brothers and sisters, I tried man!! I reli tried!! I tried to accept and overcome all the pain I 've been actually "eating" all these years. Why is it always me who have to think for others and think for You? Can I have a break God?? Living God, I still believe that You listen to me… Please, clear this mess… deliver me from all these, even if it costs my life, I am willing to pay for it, because, from the beginning till now, I never ask for trouble, I ask only for peace and joy… please give it to me… pretty please….

朋友的接纳 ^^

经过了两年在沐恩堂的成长
我终于找到了我的真正知心的朋友。
先在此声明
这个部落不是为了应酬一些人而写的~ ^^ haha

我在教会打转了两年
知心和能够谈心的朋友
很遗憾
小组里除了诗荣以外
我真的是找不到一个能够跟我谈心的朋友。

我在这里很自然的学习到
朋友
固然很重要
人在KL这里没有朋友是很难生活下去的

感谢主在我觉得遗憾的时候
神让我觉得我不是单独一个人的
我是有朋友的...

彩微，秦鹏，慧雯，斯怡。。。
你们都是我生命当中把你们当成是我能够一起玩，说心事的朋友。
本人真的好爱好爱你们！！！

彩微- 谢谢你每次在block G的“接纳”，其实要是你们不接纳我到你们那里去吃饭，我真的是没地方，也没人陪我吃饭了。还有，你给我要怎样面对感情问题的教导，真的很有效，我很衷心的感谢你！！

秦鹏- 也是咯，谢谢你在block G 的接纳， 哈哈！不过，说认真起来，谢谢你当晚（榴莲之夜）对我的劝勉和陪伴，我当晚的心情其实很糟糕，原本还以为要带着糟糕的心情去睡觉，哪里知道，你既然接受我的榴莲wo!!! 哈哈，你知道我下一句要说什么了啦~ 谢谢你！！

慧雯- 我知道去年的六月。。。或者是说一整年，你都忙的快忙不过来了。说起来，我跟你小组组员的问题出现时，我知道你一直在那里用祷告拖住。你是一个很好很棒的属灵母亲。我也相信也就是因为你的愿意，神拣选了你带领你自己的小组给他们生命当中的需要。我跟你小组组员之间的隔膜。。。你扮演了很重要的角色。我真的很谢谢你，因为我真的是觉得，你可以厌烦我这样弄你这么麻烦，可是你没有，我真的很谢谢你对我的接纳和原谅。。。

斯怡- 你真的是一个很棒的朋友，你所给于的教导，我一定不会忘记。当我生命低潮或心情糟糕的时候，你也是其中一个接纳我的人。不单单只是接纳，你还教导我学习知足感恩，让我对生命的perspective改变。从一个不好的角度，转换过来，事情固然是一样，但是有不一样心情面对了！谢谢你！

听我呼求

我今天跟我的邻居分享我生命的经历。神啊，愿我这个分享见证神你的美好作为的时候，你的工也能够在我的邻居们的生命彰显出来。



在我还没有跟我邻居分享之前，我其实感觉还有点纳闷。今天我照常的在教会与到了我心中喜欢的对象，心中真的有好多好多的话要跟她说，可是我没有勇气这么做，总觉得需要帮助和支持我才敢。心中也会想“要是她不要跟我讲话怎么办？ 那我到时要给怎样的反应？” 讲来讲去，我只有向爱我的天父祈求祷告，我不断的逼我自己搞清楚我是谁还有耶稣是她的谁，不断的告诉自己“神啊，这位姐妹是属于你的，她是你的新妇，也是你的女儿，我绝对没有这个胆量去伤害她，我每天。。。每天只向你求一件事，那就是我们两个的关系可以像以前那样，有说有笑。。。



因为这件事情，我向神说，“神啊，听我呼求，医治我的心，你向来是帮助孩子的，求你一定要在我们两个之间的那个gap 给去掉 ” 说完这个祷告，感觉还是有点纳闷。。。其实我真的不知道我们两个为什么会落到这个地步，真的好想念好想念以前跟这位姐妹有说有笑的日子。

近来，看这位姐妹的成长。。。她的确是成长了不少。只是在常常与间她时，她一定会躲起来，不懂为什么。。。现在这种状况，我只能说我感谢神，神要这位姐妹在成长的过程当中没有任何人（尤其是自以为是的我）去干扰她，她是属于神的，我万不敢伤害或拦阻她的成长和生命。

我确实很相信神一定会为这件事情做一件美事来。有了这种mindset了之后，很奇怪，心里还是感到很纳闷。我当时就出去阳台那里跟我的邻居谈天。谈天谈天，慢慢谈起了我以前的生活，我就慢慢不知不觉的开始了我的生命的见证分享。我一边说一边在心里数算神给我的恩典。发现到原来数算恩典是一种非常非常好的move。因为，我知道我在数算神的恩典的时候，我心里是一边数算一边感谢神的。而我当时。。。感谢主！！我是一边数算神的恩典，一边感谢神，一边做见证分享的那一位！！！真是来自神的supernatural能力使我这么做。我实在是发现

我的分享很简单，我跟我的邻居说到我以前的生命。生命当时有神但是没寻求神的旨意所带来的混乱。我说到我以前的生活很乱，很花心，很爱花钱，会选择朋友，小看人，还有最后一件事情就是我感情的问题。这些所谓以前的生活，神都很严厉的管教我，感觉就很像这些管教都是从0开始。我当时被神第一次破碎的时候，灵人痛到不行，很想要放弃，但是不知道为什么最后就是没有放弃。

神在花心这个地方，很严厉的管教我。神使我身边的朋友无论男女都取了去，不要我去向他们寻求帮助，乃是要向神他自己寻求帮助。在异性那里，很奇怪的感觉。。。很像每一个女孩子都不要跟我讲话，不知道为什么。。。不过，这件事情，现在看来真的是一件美事。

混乱的生活，我刚刚来到吉隆坡这个地方，有足足一年的时间是晚晚睡晚晚起来。这种生活是很不健康的。但是固执的我偏偏就是为自己找借口说“这就是年轻人的生活 ”。许多时候也就是因为这种不好的睡觉习惯令我第二天不能够上课，因此我常常skip class。结果，健康被自己搞坏，连我来到吉隆坡真正的目的（读书）也没搞好。最后，成绩考的不好，我中了repeat。

Wonderful Experience In A4J

This week, i went to A4J conference. 4 days, 3 nights~

sigh~~ what can i say??? the conference was just too great!!!

on the first day already when the first sermon started, by pastor Philip, my heart was ready for his world... actually is HIS word, Jesus Christ ^^~

Pastor Philip's sermon was great and it crushed my heart badly... words after words came into my spiritual life. I tried to gain whatever I can gain in that sermon. Then he let us see a clip that shows how Jesus made a cripple, 31 years old woman to walk. That woman cannot walk since she was a baby.

The scene was just too touching with an additional of touching songs. The 31 years old woman sang a song to praise Jesus. Well, the song was very very nice and touching but I am sorry to tell you that, I have no idea what was the song because I never heard the song. When the woman sings, I remember a sentence of lyric she sang, "there is no love greater than God's love"...

Wow! when this lyric was shown in the clip as subtitle, tears flow down from my eyes to my cheek... My heart, felt being loved by God and being touched by God. So long I had desire this kind of feeling happen the INSIDE me... I felt the presence of Jesus just beside me, but this time, He did not just stand beside me letting me to feel Him. He broke my heart! Oh! It was so painful that I cried... I cried with a painful spirit... it was so unforgetalble. While we are still in the process, Pastor Philip got up to the stage, it was right after the touching movie clip finished, He started to sing a praising song to Jesus. I tried to sing, because inside me, I was still in the breaking process, but I couldnt sing because when I tried to sing, I felt more pain insde while I sing... if anybody asks, "why are you crying?", the answer might will be "i donno", "i have no idea" and so on...

The heart of mine just felt the pain and filled with the Holy Spirit. Right after that moment, the I acknowledge the sentence of "there is no love greater then God's love"... at that time I still like the girl I admire... I am still having some problem to talk to her or even to face her... ... I am in love with her, but God still wanted me to put Him at number one and put those lost souls who are still walking towards hell's path... God wanted me to stop them and bring them to church, to eternity... right after that time, He'd shown my path, God told me where should I serve now and be serious with it...

well, all these experiece, I can oni say... Thank you God for giving me this kind of grace to accomplish this kind of mission~~ Thank you God~~~ ^^

what to do???

writing blog.... i found it interesting these few days.... i found myself able to say anything in this blog and ppl might note wanna see my blog because they might found it too boring or lame, no pictures, no animations... just words.

I just wanna express my feelings in this blog. Everyday, i feel something different is moving inside me. I know that it might be something "lurking" inside me which may God doesnt please it. Yes, in my prayer, i owes prayed that:" Lord, i am weak, i need you and i will post you owes the number one position in my life..." but, honestly [sry God :'( ] i didnt do it. Because i am in love with a girl who is just human and cannot represent Jesus in my life... she is just a human, not a God who can do all things. I know i shouldnt place her in number one in my life, but i simply cannot help it... I dont even dare to say this in my prayer :" oh God, pls take her away from my life, i don need her..." i am afraid to bear the consequences for this prayer... i am afraid of i might lose her, i am afraid of alot of things...

sometimes, i reli found myself dishonest and shameful for being like this. I even hated myself for doing this kind of thing... wanna talk with my spiritual coverage oso need to be brave enuf to tell and communicate with them. I cared about their eyesight towards me... I am afraid what if they gave me an unpleasant comments?? what if they look down on me??? what if i tell them, they wouldnt keep secrets??

in the pass, in times like this... i will say:" i don need consolation, i just need an answer", but this time, it will be slightly different, i might say :" what should i do now? can anybody tell me what and how to handle this kind of problem??"

i saw the gal whom i am in loved this afternoon and tried to get near her, because i just couldnt stand a chance to leave her, i wish to see her even if there is a second to do so. But... see?? but again... i feel shy to face her, or even her sister sometimes... so strange... so "sphear and shield", wish to see her, but when she saw me... heart bump so fast... aiks~~

i erm.., just wish that this blog is msg of alert to God that is written down and become historical... the acknowledgement of other normal friends... i think it will be unesscessary... good friends... (if i have any)...pls pray for me... reli having a hard time in this...

A NEW DAY

Receive what our lovely pastor's sermon on Sunday service. He said God had gave us the protection and blessings, but we, as children, we have to claim the protection and blessings. This sermon pop my head and made me think twice for it.

I am thinking that, I desire for great things to happen in my life, but if I remain silent, nothing will happen. So I tried to get up early in the morning to have my morning devotion and quiet time with God. I found that this kind of "quality" time with God, at first, I found it quite boring because I was feeling sleepy. But 5 minutes... 10 minutes... I feel... FRESH!!! Fresh is the meaning of feeling active today, because had made a prayer to God asking God to protect my footsteps for everyday~~

I use to say my prayers in night times before I sleep. That means prayer is owes the last thing I do for my day. Well, alot of distractions on night time because our minds still need to cool down after whole day processing... so I found myself abit difficult to do so...

In conclusion, to those who saw this post... I wish that my brothers and sisters can help me to pray for my life, because I reli need God's support everyday, once I failed to pray for a day, I feel powerless and weak... or even have the intension to leave God...